Forced Perspective

Any amount of time spent in solitude could evoke several things: madness, loneliness, craziness, laziness, restlessness and introspection. That was A LOT of words that end in ness so I had to throw something of a curve ball...I guess I could have used introspectiveness. HA! In this particular instance, I would say all of the above has happened during my stay here in Gort...but before you think that it's a negative perspective...let me clarify...it has been a much needed experience really...I couldn't possibly summarize my entire trip in one blog entry...but in this particular one, I'm compelled to write one of a different perspective...

This house is in total isolation. It's not deep in the country but it's close. There are no city lights. No television. Trevor has an out of date computer (the 1980's kind) and a radio that he listens cricket games and rugby updates on...oh and the lovely BBC news. Those are his two main sources of keeping up on the 'outside world'. He's got a decent music collection (I'm currently listening to Laurie Anderson's Life on A String Album) and some books (lots of Tolstoy, Arthur Miller and gardening books..and some Jane Austen)...so I've been reading a lot and I take walks when the weather is good (which hasn't been that often). The only company I have when Trevor goes to work are his three dogs. It's been the weirdest experience. All the things I didn't want to think about, all the things I didn't want to face came prancing up to the surface...laughing almost maniacally. I was forced to look at them. In other words, I was forced to look at myself...and go inward.

And it wasn't easy. There were tears. There were lots of sighs. And since I accidentally dropped my cell phone in a cup of tea..I couldn't just pick up the phone and call someone. And I wouldn't have cared for the cost because I did that a few times on this trip (thank the heavens for BFF's)...

Then, there was the wave of gratitude. The things back home I took for granted...that I now sorely miss. All the lovely vegan/vegetarian restaurants. The beach and its beauty..the glorious sun and my infamous bike rides...the fact that I don't really stick out when I walk down Main Street because there are other girls with tattoos and multi-colored hair...my dear sweet friends...my Goddess Tribe...electrical outlets that don't need petrol generators to keep them going...Trader Joe's...my heater....and The Vortex...

You never really find out who you are or where you're from until you travel to another place...and then your accent seems different, your lingo....the slang that isn't different amongst friends but becomes a topic of conversation when you're at a party full of Germans, English, French, etc. Then, your hometown really almost becomes part of you...at least it does for me...and I'm really proud of that. I never thought I'd admit that...but it rings true for me..at least for now....

I really am a California girl at heart...I love the fact that we're an eclectic array of different ethnic backgrounds...and we have the best food EVER! :0) And I love the fact that I live an hour away from HellAye and a few hours from San Fran (or The City to the locals)...and the fact that I live 10 minutes from the beach..well, that's just fuckin' priceless....and if I had to choose between the cold, rainy (but beautiful) Irish countryside or the smog-filled beaches and craziness of California...

Well, I would just say....we have fairies, too...just of a different kind...
;0)

The Gort in Ireland

I have been told that gort means garden in Gaelic. Which is truly apropos especially with the place I'm staying at. I'm couchsurfing w/ Trevor and my stay here has been one of peace, harmony, introspection and awareness. Trevor is a true English gentleman...housing and feeding me...being a tour guide and a good friend. What astounds me still is how the trip has landed me in the most unexpected places w/ the most random individuals. I still ponder the what ifs...and if I hadn't stayed here in Gort...the Garden of Ireland...my trip would have been vastly different...neither good nor bad...just different...

I wake up to birds singing. Sunlight pours through the huge windows in the kitchen. The wood burning stove heats the room downstairs, the water pipes and the rooms upstairs. There are three wonderful dogs: Tess, Macha and Siana. There is an abundance of Vegan food...a great music collection consisting of Tom Waits, Laurie Anderson, Siouxsie and The Banshees, Blondie, Julie Feeney, Johnny Cash, Alifarka Toure, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, Bach and Beethoven and of course....Leonard Cohen....and there's more!

My room overlooks the front yard and the neighboring field. I spent St. Patrick's Day napping in my room, the sunshine cascading through...warming my toes and bare legs (it's been really cold and rainy here in Ireland!)...my feet properly propped up on the windowsill and I couldn't be happier....no phone...no TV....just the cacophony of birds, the stillness of the Irish countryside and the swaying array of different trees that dance with the wind: ash, hazelnut, willow.....

When I left the big cities of Ireland, my trip became better. Less noisy and busy...which I'm truly grateful for because I think that's why I came...to get away............

I am anxious.... in a way...I miss home..my friends...and of course...The Vortex...but I think I found the heart of Ireland...underneath it's darker display which I experienced in the beginning....it is in the fields and trees...the warmness felt in the kitchen of a loving home...the land tilled for flowers and vegetables...

I can't explain it. The dichotomy of this place and its people. My trip consisting of dualities and ups..and downs...the magic and the suffering...a field full of trees and green.......and beyond that...another field sits...a graveyard of stumps and brown...the land owned by the Forestry where trees are planted specifically to be cut down...a horrible and ugly sight to be seen... but it is happening and will continue to happen...

Unless we do something....

I come home next week...time truly flies by here...and I have found that some times when you leave a place...you become to appreciate it more when you're not there....and that rings true for me when I think of home...holidays are good for that...

See you all very soon...
-A

Shamrocks and Butterflies

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It's a weird 'holiday' because I think it's the saint who converted the Irish from the Pagan religion to Christianity. I think...if my memory serves me correctly. I have no idea what shamrocks have to do with religion but like all things that become mainstream...it becomes a thing of its own and well...you can either accept it or not. Being here in Ireland for this particular day has been quite amusing. Most of the people I've met here or spoke with really don't 'celebrate' it. What I've noticed is that it's become so commercialized....so capitalistic. During my stay here, I have come to open my eyes a little at that realization. Just like the hustlers in New York, LA and the like....they're here, too....except well...they'll do it in an Irish accent and call you 'love'. It's endearing really...but then under the veil of a beautiful countryside...with gorgeous trees and landscape, fairy rings and bright shiny shamrocks...it's a country governed by a corrupt system, a starving economy, a heavy conservative religious society, anti-abortion rights and very little protection for women outside of marriage (more on that later).

I don't think I wanted to see that. I certainly did not think I would ever write those words and affiliate them with Ireland. And please don't get me wrong...this trip has been amazing! The pictures truly don't do it justice...

However....

I am a writer...as you know this....and I write what I see, how I see it...and thank goodness for that right...

I'm glad I didn't come with expectations...well, I'm lying...I did come with some...but overall...I've met soo many amazing people..and some of the sites truly did take my breath away (and literally would have taken my breath...if I wasn't careful...hello Cliffs of Moher!).

It's like there's two of me. And two vacations. There's the part of me that wants to dance and flirt with the young boys...laugh and talk about the little things...tell funny stories and jokes....and then............there's the other part of me...that's having a deep, spiritual journey...and excavation of my soul....that's having these discussions late into the night about the past, future and present...the part of me that stares out the window into the garden wondering what my next step will be on my journey in Life...

I went up to my room yesterday and found this little butterfly on my book (The Good Fairies of New York..coincidence?). It looked so sad...its wings were listless and it wasn't flying about much so I made several attempts to cup it into my hands so I could set it outside. It took a few tries but I was successful. When I was out back in the garden, I opened my palms out and gently set it down onto the grass. It flexed its beautiful wings and flew up into the air...right up on the tree and I watched it go....with a smile on my face...

And that's how I started my day....

Fairplay, eh? :0)
Cheers.... <3

Lost In Translation

Oh, my...what an eventful day...

Men are strange...not in a bad way...but yes, they're strange over here...

Went on a little walk mid-morning and ended up on a pathway leading to who knows where. On the path was an elderly man carrying a bunch of shopping bags in both hands. We said hellos to each other and he said something about how I was wearing black but the splashes of pink was quite fetching...so we exchanged the where are you froms and what's your names to the fact that he was an esoteric astrologer and next thing you know...I'm following him back to his house for a cup of tea. Our discussion led to not only western astrology, but chinese astrology and of course, spirituality and how he and his lovely partner Imogen came to be at Findhorn. It turns out they hold a full moon meditation celebration at their house and would I like to attend? :0) Considering it would be my last night at Findhorn, it felt so completely right...and what did you say? There will be music and poetry as well? Wow...it's like I'm home.......

and then it was time for me to catch my bus to Cluny...and while waiting for my bus I catch a glimpse of Elliott sitting w/ someone having a smoke...so I go sit with him for a bit and tell him how I met Errol, the esoteric astrologer...and he said he knows...then he invites me to dinner and all I could do is just look at him and say yes...

On my way to Cluny to meet up with Keith for tea. Saw Stan sitting on the bench having lunch. After two years and only knowing me for a week or so, he remembered me (and I, of course, remembered him...he's featured in my Scotland story called The Dance) and we had a lovely conversation overlooking the rich green fields that seemed to glow under the sunlight...he found Keith for me and we sat in the sitting room overlooking the flower beds. After some time, we went for a walk behind Cluny Hill College and he told me some amazing stories about a Fairie procession he witnessed. !!! We then went past the cemetary onto a little path that led to a small lake. There were ducks, swans, fairy bridges, oak trees, neon green moss, a light drizzle amidst the sunlight and a kissing gate. We spoke openly about our families and our own difficult spiritual journeys...and I realized how special my English Vegan friend is...and how extremely grateful I was to have him in my life.

We walked back and had more tea and then in a blink of an eye...it was time for me to catch my bus back to The Park. It certainly didn't seem like 4 hours had passed but that's how time works here in the magical Vortex of Findhorn.

I got back just in time to get ready and meet Elliot for dinner (What? Me pass up free food? Never!)

What I love most about being here is the amount of energy and love and awareness that is put in everything...to making the food, to cleaning a table, to planting or weeding the vegetable garden...there is so much love..it really makes it very difficult to leave...but then I realize that it's not my time to stay yet...so...

Dinner was brown rice and yellow curry w/ cabbage salad..it was quite good! Much better than that horrible food attempting to pass for a Thai dish in Ireland. Beware my friends! Irish food isn't soo good...at least not in Galway...not what I'm used to...although the food at Food 4 Thought is awesome...their Vegan Sheperd's pie is amazing! :0)

My time with Elliott was enjoyable, amusing and much too short. I don't know how we got sectioned off to a table...away from everyone else...but that's how it ended up...and we talked of little things...funny stories and about my stay here......and then it was time...he had a meeting to attend and I was still eating my dinner...so we hugged and he whispered in my ear, "Next time you're here, make sure you stay longer and I'm single..."
I was taken aback and I just smiled...shook my head and walked up to another table to sit down...trying not to think about what he just said to me too much...

Then, I head back to the Ecohouse and it's the nightly ritual of checking my email and facebook. My friend Filippo (whom I call the 1st Italian) is online and since I don't speak much Italian w/ the exception of Ciao Bello, Andeamo, Gratzi and some curse words involving assholes.... and he doesn't speak much English..... we speak in Spanish...and my oh my...I'm learning new things every day.....
the final chapter of this blog is how translations get misconstrued and when I was chatting with him via IM, I sent a <3 (which is typical Athena, right?) but he didn't know what that meant so he inquired about it. So, I literally said to him in Espanol: corazon, heart...which he replied with: Wow! Para mi? Which caused me to panic! Oh, great! Here's this lovely Italian boy in Ireland who now thinks I'm professing my undying love to him...that's just great, right?! Uhhh...nnnnnooooooooo!

So then, I write in English (which, of course, he did not understand at all!) that it was meant as a symbol, not that I was giving my heart to him which would be a very difficult thing to do unless you're a really good cook. He asked me to translate in Spanish..and I was like: How the fuck do you relay that in Spanish...simplistically? My solution?

<3 = xoxo y mucho amor y besos..comprende, si?

That did the trick....I wasn't being married off to some young hot Italian guy I randomly met in Galway...whew!

It's funny how that one little symbol could be completely misconstrued because of a language barrier! Oh...the things I'm learning each and every day on this trip...!! :0)

So, how do you say in Italian: you're cute...wanna snuggle?

;0)

hahahahahahahahaha

<3<3<3

Magic and Rebirth

I have been reading in the Sunroom which is warmed by the solar panels installed on the roof alongside with the sun's rays. My cup has been filled again and again with hot tea..and I later realized that the sun had gone down and twilight came and went....and La Luna was high up in the dark canals of the night sky. Another thing I realized was it being March 8th.

I cannot begin to explain to you the auspiciousness of this date. Last year, I became re-born. Not in your religious, christian-based way...but in the way a phoenix does...the symbolic death (if you will) and the coming back to life...invigorated and anew.

This year, I draw upon that. Some perceive trials and the pains of life as cumbersome, hurtful and annoying. They are indeed. However, you CAN draw energy from that. And strength. And love. And compassion. If you choose it.

7 years later, I realize the lesson behind the sexual assault I experienced. It was not a form of punishment. Nor was it some kind of test bestowed upon me by some Divine Spirit. And no...it was not fate either.

It simply was another opportunity to learn more. More about myself, my inner strength, my faith, my purpose, my compassion, my forgiveness...my love...It also came to be about choices. The choice to take responsibility. The choice to speak your truth and to share it. The choice to accept the knowledge and wisdom. The choice to live a healthy and happy life. The choice in realizing that I deserve all these good things.

It comes easy...these words that flow through my fingers onto the keys of the laptop I'm borrowing from David (apparently the laptop is named Merlin..go figure!)

It's been oh..so quiet.. :0) (Aww...how I love Bjork) I've been reading about how this place (Findhorn Foundation) came to be. The book: The Magic of Findhorn written by Paul Hawken is such a good read. It has evoked such an unexplainable pleasure that words cannot describe.

It just re-confirms why I had to come back here. To just be...

I shall leave you with these words...spoken by Peter Caddy himself (one of the founders of Findhorn):The main principle is that you are what you think, you become what you think, and what you think becomes reality.

Please keep in mind that he shared these words wayyy before 'The Secret' and 'The Law of Attraction'...and sadly, there are some that are still confused and constantly need to be reminded on how powerful our thoughts and energies are...and that we really do have the ability to manifest our own reality...if we choose to...

Mahalkita, Te Amo, J'etaime...<3

Ode to Trav

While thinking of a message I wanted to write to my friend Travis, I suddenly decided to write him how I was feeling in poetic prose...here's the final version:

Dance Parties
In Scotland
Consist of
raGe AgAinSt
tHe MAcHiNe
Stellas
and snow
in the mountains
on my first day
arriving after
a two year
longing
of home.

And she remembered me
at Mundole Taxi...

Sanctuary
Bliss
in an unreciprocated
kiss
and the Warhorse Kipling
died while I was away...

The Garden of Cullerne
with its icing
on the grass
and the sunlight
on my fingertips
and the wind
on a mission
to keep me shivering...

the hiatus became
a realization of sorts
that even when you're away
you're still here...

this place
that I shall never forget
apparently
never forgot me...